Anita In Slug Lif3

PROFILE: ANITA

Anita is a girl. She h8s slugs.

List of things Anita does:
* eats fish finger sandwiches
* puts her socks in the sink
* definitely creates a FB event for everything she does. Examples: 'Anita invited you to the event ''Anita is buying new socks''', 'Anita invited you to the event 'Anita is going to Tesco at 4pm''.
* Anita thinks watching a Youtube video of a band is seeing them live
* Anita lost 7 of her toes in a running accident. She massages the stumps.
* Anita can hold her breath for 3 minutes

Anita in Slug Lif3

While on holiday in Ibiza Anita encountered a slug. She was wearing flipflops (this is always a bold move in regards to the stump situation) and thus had to shuffle everywhere. Her gut instinct said to raise her foot and squash the slug. She was too afraid of the squelching sound squishing a slug would make. She logged on to her Facebook.

Anita has invited you to the event 'Crush a slug in Ibiza'.

Leaked cables

the Slugs went in the little cables and left a note about balsamic

IN PROVERB

If a slug falls in a forest, does it cast a shadow?

SLUGGY CREEPS

SLUGGY CREEPS is the number 1 Slug TV show in which the host, Shakira, helps families and friends solve their differences.

Episode 23841904132: "My husband put a slug on my daughter": LIE DETECTOR RESULTS

Featuring:
Daniel - the father and alleged perpetrator of the slug-on-face incident
Mo - the mother, accusing Daniel of "face via slug" crimes
Shintzy - the daughter, who had slug on her face
Slug - went on a face

Shakira: OKAY, lie detector question one: Daniel, did you touch a slug last month? Daniel answered 'no' to this question.

[Daniel looks nervous]

Mo - HURRY UP AND REVEAL THE RESULTS STUPID SHAKIRA
Shintzy - jus shu up mum
Slug- ....
Shakira: SHUT UP, ALL. The lie detector says: Daniel, you were lying.

Daniel: Nawwww.

Shakira: Question two. We asked Daniel if he put a slug on Shintzy's face. Daniel declined to respond.
Mo - OH MY GOD! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! HE PUT THE SLUG ON HER FACE

Slug: ....

Shakira: and there we have it. Whenever, wherever: Daniel and Mo are not meant to be 2gether. How do you feel now that you know who put a slug on your face, Shintzy?

Shintzy: I feel sick. Can't believe I had a slug on my face.

Seasonal Slug

The seasons are changing once again. Like the tide, slugs must change too.

It is Christmas. We must love one another. Leave each other sluggy little gifts wrapped up in balsamic vinegar, or even malt vinegar.

There are songs we sing to celebrate this particular season. Slug favourite is 'ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU' by M. Carey.

The song is so much more than a song. It's a mantra. A MANTRA FOR LIF3. On first glance, the lyrics are merely superficial. All dear Mariah wants is "you". She doesn't ever reveal who "you" is. No, she leaves it up to YOU to decide what she wants. Is it malt vinegar? Is it balsamic? Is it a slug in a jar?

"And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air "

What are they laughing at?

Is it balsamic? Is it malt?

Only "you" can decide.

PRISCILLA, BY SEA

LIF3TIME BAN

"Kelis" is a worldwide pop superstar sensation with one hit song titled "MILKSHAKE". She is a hated figure within the slug community.

It is open to debate what Kelis is using the keyword 'milkshake' as a metaphor for. Many in the slug community speculate she is using 'milkshake' as slang for 'salt'. Her vast array of salt attracts many anti slug campaigners, which she references as 'the boys'.

KELIS IS BANNED FROM SLUG LIF3

BEST THREAT EVER

I ANGERED Lynn, a slug (lynnaslug), and she said:

"I'm coming over there to salt you if you're not careful."

Whenever, Wherever

Some wise people say the anthem 'Whenever Wherever' by pop superstar "SHAKIRA" is the divine melody of the slug. It features key lyric 'whenever, wherever, we're meant to be 2gether.' This is particularly relevant to this species of mollusc. For you see, whenever and wherever, if two slugs are meant to be 2gether, they will. They will find their way to each other like little slimey magnets. Over mountains, through lakes, inside jars, at lunchtime or in the morning... literally WHENEVER, WHEREVER.

In another key lyric, "SHAKIRA" sings:

Baby I would climb the Andes solely
To count the freckles on your body

This is almost certainly a nod to the slug species, as they contain many freckles, or 'pores', in their slimey skin. It is common amongst many slugs to count the freckles on the bodies of their friends and family in order to identify them, should the slug ever be rendered speechless and unable to muster any words. Secondly, "Andes" is known to be slang for "wall". So this lyrics is actually saying (one slug 2 another) that 'I would climb a wall in order to identify you should you be rendered speechless'.

To conclude, if you ever attend a "SHAKIRA" concert watch out for the 'Andes' as you may find many a mollusc congregating there practicing their numeracy skills.

SEARCH KEYWORDS

"slug in washing machine"

IN PROVERB

Every slug has a silver lining.

IDEA

IN PROVERB

A slug in the hand is worth two in the jar.

IN SOCIETY

Yesterday I was IN SOCIETY and the topic of SLUGS was RAISED. A friend, a mother of a young son, told me an anecdote in which her son QUESTIONED, 'do snails get hurt when the weather hail stones?'. The answer she gave to him, was 'no, because they have their shells'. He proceeded to ask 'what about slugs?'.

Yes, what ABOUT slugs?

THE THING

The Thing in the movie, 'The Thing' (1982), that is terrorizing the scientist folk in Antarctica is just a type of slug, no? It's very slimey.

GREAT SLUGS OF BRITISH HISTORY: PART 1

In this new feature we have some light cast upon the history of slugs, courtesy of Adam Elmahdi:

GREAT SLUGS OF BRITISH HISTORY: PART 1

KING SLUGWARD

Due to an administrative error, a slug was once crowned King of England. King Slugward, as he became known, was a controversial ruler, whose decrees were considered “eccentric” or “dangerously irrational” by some. Whilst his dashing good looks and masculine slime trail made him a hit amongst the ladies at court, King Slugward’s tyranical anti-salt measures put him at odds with a number of powerful figures. 50% of Britain’s GDP (including the country’s entire defence and education budgets) was redirected to building desalination plants along the coast, and the 50000000000% salt tax caused the French Fries industry to go into freefall. This latter measure bought the noble univalve the lifelong enmity of France, which ultimately led to his undoing – on a state visit to Paris, His Royal Slugness was lured to what he thought was the Eiffel Tower but was actually a cunningly disguised salt mine. Within minutes, King Slugward and his fascistic regime had shrivelled away like a grape in the sun, marking the last time a gastropod would hold high office in a European state (however, a giant snail was recently elected to the presidency in Kenya, and it was only recently that Chairman Whelk relinquished control of the People’s Republic of Canada.)

King Slugward was survived by his life partner, Slug #3570235935. Their son, Prince Slugginton later became famous as the bass player for popular American indie band The Shins.

Dear Slug

Shirley from Northampton writes:
A man I know gets angry about technology. First he gets a bit cross and mutters to himself. Then, if no-one pays him any attention, he starts swearing at inanimate objects. If he gets no response to that he bashes and bangs things about. He goes all pink and sweaty and shakes with rage and his glasses quiver on his nose.

I have to sit next to him when he does this and although I do my best to ignore him I find it disconcerting. What should I do?

Slug:
Put slimes on his computer and electrical items.

HAIKU 2

I am a slug, here is what is in my brain:

I have a small child
I keep her in a jar-o
No sunlight for her

HAIKU: lynnaslug

From now on I'd like to call my friend Lynn a slug. Or, lynnaslug.
Here is a haiku from her brain:

Poor Slug is Homeless
Unless He is in A Jar
Who Put Him in It?

ETERNAL DILEMMA

Asked my friend Charlie this question:
Would you prefer to have to spend two days of each week in the nude, or spend two days each week shielded by a blanket of slugs?

His response was:
So long as it isn't in public, 2 days of nudity.

I said:
It is in public. What now?

He replied:
I imagine it'd be horribly embarrassing for the first week, then OK afterwards. Nudity it is.

Dear Slug

Write to the slug with your problems.

Here's one:

Sleepless in Stratford: Dear Slug, I have recently been having trouble sleeping because each evening my young son, Peter, has been pouring balsamic vinegar on my bed sheets. I only have one spare set, so at any given time one set is constantly in the wash and the other one has been covered in vinegar. He has been doing this every night for the past 11 months, I am not sure why or what to do. Please help.

Slug: put your son in a jar.

On A Coathanger?

Just thinkin', you could definitely put a slug on a coathanger IRL if you really wanted

In the washing machine

Patrick was walking home from a boring evening at the local POCTATAB (Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals That Are Blind) meeting when a fast slug slipped into the hem of his trousers. He didn't notice.

He got home and got undressed and fell into bed and dreamed of all the blind little animals and how he could save them if only he was a better swimmer. When he woke the next morning he took his pile of dirty clothes and dumped them in the washing machine.

As he put the clothes in the machine he could have sworn he heard some faint 'screaming' noise. He shut the door and just disregarded the sound as the squeak from the squeaky kitchen tiles on which he was standing.

It was actually the slug screaming, still nestled inside his trouser hem. The washing machine is a hell for slugs. There's nothing in there that will kill them (slugs dig water) but the tumbling motion almost always provokes the darkest and most disorienting of thoughts. As the slug span round flashes of dead slugs and slugs with lips the size of pennies flashed before its eyes.

While the washing machine was on Patrick headed out and bought some ingredients for dinner. A nice home cooked lasagne. When he returned home the washing was done; he took the clothes and hung them on the line outside.

A second in the washing machine, for a slug, is equivalent to a million years drifting in space for a human. By now, the slug was angry. Its soul had left its body and all that was left was a murderous slimey vessel determined to seek revenge on Patrick.

The slug slipped from the hem and crawled towards the house, up the wall, and in through the window by which Patrick had left his lasagne. That night while Patrick was asleep the slug sealed all the windows and doors, and every crack through which air might escape the house, using its slug slime.

It then turned on the gas by the fire using its muscly body. It has the intention of lighting a match and going out in a 'blaze of glory' but the slime kept putting out any sparks before a fire even got close to being lit. Patrick is a very light sleeper and woke up before the slug had time to execute its plans. Feeling hot, he cracked a window open. Confused by all the slime, he put it down to just being sleepy and went back to bed. The slug was so angry that it crawled into Patrick's throat. It accidentally went 'all the way' down and into Patrick's stomach where it was dissolved in the acid.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

"I was chilling out in a hotel in London, when I ordered room service. The room service guy brought me a silver plate with a slug on. I figure what I ordered was just LOST IN TRANSLATION"

LOST IN TRANSLATION

"Was just in Boots buying a pasta pot when the lady at the till was all "gsdoofr?". I paid her and just figure what she said was LOST IN TRANSLATION"

LOST IN TRANSLATION

"I was chatting to my pal from Korea about some new slug gel we can put on our faces to make them shinier when she said 'shechabj', I figure what she said was LOST IN TRANSLATION."

Slug Life: Redditch

Redditch correspondent Dale Halford-Pearce caught up with Stanley to chat about the ups and downs of being a slug in a modern town...

Dale: Hi Stanley, what's your favourite pastime?
Stanley: Grrerllffdeellllgslugslugslurp
D: Interesting! I never knew slugs could play golf! What about life ambitions? Got any plans for the future?
S: Spluuuurpslugslugffrrrllllip
D: Blimey! Good luck with that! Any tips for any city slugs looking to get away from the buzz?
S: Rrrrlflufp? Purrellgsfufl.
D: Great, thanks! Well excellent chatting with you, see you soon! Stay away from the slug pellets.
S: Fllooorrrpsplu!

Today

I am definitely a slug

ETERNAL DILEMMA

I asked my friend James this question:
Would you rather be a slug in a jar or a slug in a plastic bag?

Our conversation went like this:
James: It depends in what city.
Me: In London?
James: Jar
Me: Why?
James: I think Londoners carry more respect for glass than plastic. And there are opportunities to travel in a jar.

ETERNAL DILEMMA

I asked my friend Alan this question:
Would you rather put a slug on your tongue for 8 hours or have 800 slugs in your kitchen?

His response was this:
The latter my love! For sure!!

Who put you in the jar?

ETERNAL DILEMMA

I asked my friend Paul this question:
Would you prefer a slug to go on your eye or a million slugs to die?

His response was:
Slug on eye. Not a problem.

Loose lips

Loose lips sink ships, but every time you say you don't believe in a slug, someone touching a slug dies.

Slug bacon

Can you make bacon out of slugs? Can you make slugs out of bacon?

Wrists

"My wrists hurt"

Slugs in her bags?

I saw a lady on the bus today with two bulging bags. Did she have slugs in her bags? I followed her to the end of the bus route. She fell off of the bus and loads of slugs poured out of her bags... they all had LIPS. Everyone was shocked and confused. She quickly coaxed the slugs back into her bags by using some licorice, but some of them got away.

She tried to walk down the street like nothing had happened but it wasn't long before she was apprehended (rugby tackle style) by the local law enforcement who had apparently been watching her movements for the past four weeks.